You know those days when you just feel really shit and overwhelmed with everything and just don’t know what to do or where to start?
Well, I’m having one of those days.
A never ending to do list, constant emails, things going wrong, not being able to switch off, feeling that I have to solve everyones problems in this instant and just generally withdrawn from the outside world.
For so long I have wanted to start this blog, I’ve had the name in mind for years. How whatever crap we are going through it will always turn out well in the end and you will go from a caterpillar to becoming a butterfly. A beautiful butterfly that has the freedom to fly where they please and be released from their cocoon.
Life is hard.
Things are rarely perfect. And those moments that are, are not life long.
There is always something. But I’ve come to realise that it’s always something that can be worked through. You can get out the other end and change things around.
I have always felt different, that I was out of place from everyone else, that I didn’t fit in. I’ve spent most of my life trying to fit in and over the last few years I have discovered self development and become a bit of a junkie – reading all the books, taking courses, signing up for free things that say that they will magically change your life if you just read this pdf and so on.
I think that when you are unhappy with any area of your life then you look to change that, you look for a solution, and these days I find that there seem to be more solutions than problems. Even if you think you don’t have a problem, just read someones sales page for some magic miracle product and you will be convinced that that is you and you need to buy their solution RIGHT NOW!
I’ve got too caught up in self development and life in generally and have just drifted through the last few years.
Now, don’t get me wrong a lot has happened in the last few years, my husband left, I started my own business, I’ve developed a new social circle, my kids are growing up – basically life has carried on happening and I have followed along with it.
But is it the life I want?
Over the last year I haven’t been so sure and as I received a renewal for this domain name yesterday it reminded me of why I bought the website in the first place. I wanted to transform myself, to turn my life around, to use all those magical solutions I have been gathering, step out of my cocoon and become a butterfly.
I could then write all about how I did it and help everyone else who was in the same situation and we could all have these amazing lives where everything is just beautiful.
It hasn’t happened and do you know why? Because I have become so caught up in self development and the day to day struggle of life that I have just become overwhelmed and have done, well not much really just continued to drift along in the sea called life.
Yesterday I had a day full of things going wrong and I woke this morning and thought I need to focus today, I need to write my list, I need to get actionable, I need to, I need to…
Let it all out and let go.
I sat at my computer and looked at the amount of emails I had, the number of social media notifications, the length of my to do list and I just wanted to cry.
I’ve got so caught up in helping everyone else and drifting along, whilst my business is growing that it has all just completely and utterly overwhelmed me (see there’s that word again). I have no idea where to begin.
So instead I noticed that email about renewing the hosting for this domain, that I have done nothing with, and thought let’s just login and type.
Type whatever comes into my head. Who care’s if I haven’t got a perfect life, who care’s if I’m not a beautiful butterfly (I actually probably am but I don’t often feel like it), who cares what I write.
Because if I just sit her and type my thoughts, get them out of my head and onto the paper of this screen, then that may be kind of therapeutic, it will get them out of my head and maybe somewhere along the line help someone else.
So I have no set ideas for this blog, I’ve let them go.
I’m just going to write when I feel the need and if people find it and want to read it then that’s kinda cool too because I feel so much lighter already 🙂